Thursday, December 30, 2010

Two thousand ten.

As I think about my year, one word comes to mind : hard. I don't think I've let it show too bad how much events of this year have effected me - at least I hope I haven't. It's been a year of weird friendships, difficult roommates, dumb decisions, fluff promises, and a broken heart. BUT - the biggest thing I've found that's happened to me is my new relationship with my heavenly Father. I've always been a Christian and feel as though I've never done anything to make those around me think any differently - but since I've been at college, I've fallen into what happens to most college students. That "yeah! I'll get up at 8 o clock service after I went to bed at 3 on Friday and Saturday!" - when that sounds like the most terrible thing in the world when that 7:30 alarm goes off.
And I'm not saying that going to church is the core of my relationship with Jesus, but I've always been told that coming together with a bunch of believers helps get you back into the right mindset for the week. You can always have "church" anywhere - but it helps when it's in a regulated place, with believers around you that are stronger in their faith and weaker in their faith than you.
I've fallen into that place and I felt like it was okay. I knew that I needed to be in church and needed to have a regular quiet time - but I kind of pushed that away. I made things more important than my Father - and that's not good. So giving me all these "hardships" that I think I have (there's bigger and more important things than my problems, but everything always seems more intense and awful when it's happening to you) - these "hardships" have knocked me flat on my butt. It's ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground and stomped on it. And then piece by piece, day by day - God's brought me out of a cloud of "depression" and sadness. (I put depression in quotes because I don't think it was quite depression, clinically or whatever they call it. But it definitely wasn't a happy time.) He's brought me out of that cloud and made me totally rely on Him. I've been having a regular quiet time, been going to church more - and even having prayer times with him - even when I'm just like walking around campus and something strikes me.
He's started a change in me - a change for the better and I'm excited for what this 2011 year has in store for me. I'm scared like crazy - and I don't know how much I want my heart to be put out there. I want to keep it in my chest and not feel anything. Not let anyone get close. I did that - for the first time in a long time this summer and it didn't end well. He didn't care one bit what happened to my heart. That's probably what hurts the most.
But, I found a quote by C.S. Lewis recently that I think sums up what my goal for 2011 - maybe :

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it up carefully round with robbles and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.."

So by keeping my heart from everyone else - from anything else; it'll become stone, ultimately. It'll never be able to love anything. That's even more scary I think.
I wrote that quote in my journal and said this after : "it's supposed to feel joy and pain. But that's so hard. I don't want to give it - I want to protect it, but not keep it away" - and if you're up to it, I'd love prayer on that. I'd love prayer to keep me from keeping my heart away and being bitter. That would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. If you're wondering - I think I'm going to give my heart to this little boy for a while. He'll keep it safe until someone else comes along<3

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